The Remedies
by Emelie Chance
Lesson 1:
The day after a break up or the year after (if you haven't found a way to heal) may seem like you are
waking up to a nightmare. The space beside you in bed is vacant and that vacancy is sending you a blaring
message - you are alone. It seems unbearable.
The reason it is so painful is that more than loneliness, you are feeling emptiness. Being lonely is manageable, but feeling empty is different. Emptiness can strip the meaning; from everything from which you once derived enjoyment including your job, friends, family, and hobbies.
Your mind, body, and heart are basically saying to you, "Hey, what is the point of any of this without him or
her?" Well, there is a point. When you quiet your mind and look deep within, you know it to be true - your life has meaning and though it seems impossible, these feelings will pass.
Fortunately, you don't have to allow time to do the magic. You can relieve the pain and bring meaning back into your life by practicing some of the following tips.
The first tip to overcome the emptiness is to identify the triggers (times, places, and things) that cause you the
most pain. Triggers can cause fits of sadness, grief, and loneliness.
For example, common triggers are the moment you come home after work and when you get into bed at night. Once you've made the list, you need to have a pre-planned adjustment to counteract each trigger. Your adjustment for these triggers can be go out for dinner if you normally cooked with your ex and listen to music while falling asleep. These are just examples.
The main point is that you must make yourself aware of the recurring pain triggers and have a plan to make adjustments to these routines. This will help - a lot.The second tip is to engage your support network. Most of us crawl into a hole and have a tendency to withdraw after a break-up. After my divorce, had I seen a crack in the earth, I would have gladly jumped in. Withdrawal is part of our flight or fight response. Choose to fight.
Find your friends and family or co-workers and make plans with them. The last thing in the world you may want to have is company, but it is imperative that you socialize at least 2x a week, because it accelerates the healing process. Try to hang out with some people who didn't know you and your ex as a couple to bring back your individuality and avoid that trigger.
LESSON 2
Hey!, does this sound familiar?
"I will never meet anyone else..."
"I cannot live without this person..."
"This keeps happening, what is wrong with me?"
Ok, whatever the thoughts are – you miss him or her, you hate this feeling, you feel like crud, they repeat themselves over and over and over and…you get the point.
How do you get your mind to stop this chatter?
It's as if your mind has another operator that is simply ignoring your commands. You may be even saying STOP to your thoughts as they come, pulling your hair, and really, really trying not to think about your pain and break up, but the thoughts still show up at the most inopportune times.
First, understand you are not going crazy, this is common post break-up behavior.Next, the good part - there is a way to put an end to nagging thoughts. Like your attachment to your ex, your attachment to these thoughts have been hard wired in your mind. They have actually formed pathways in your brain…ok, ok, I won't go into the science.
Let's get to the good stuff: techniques to overcome repetitive negative thoughts.
The first method is to literally flip the thoughts on their head with a more realistic, positive statement. One of the statements I started with, "I'm never going to meet anyone else" is a common post-break up fear. If you step back and focus within, you know that this is simply not true.
Whether you're a youngster or late into your years, the likelihood of you never meeting anyone else is, well, zero. You will. So, the first statement that you won't is the unrealistic one. The reason you keep thinking it over and over again is because having a broken heart HURTS and your subconscious is trying to protect you from going through this pain ever again.
When you have a recurring negative thought, first pause and take a moment. Thank your brain for trying to protect you. I'm serious, actually say, “thanks brain, I got it, you're protecting me.” Then rethink the thought in the more realistic method which is, “The more likely outcome is that I will meet someone.”
In order to rewire your mind to reference the positive thought and totally get rid of the negative one, write it
down. Each time you have the thought, flip it to the realistic thought - in writing. Use sticky notes, use
your blackberry, writing it out will rewire thatstubborn mind of yours
"Why does everything remind me of my ex?"
One of my clients, Ben, asked me this question and Iwanted to provide him and you the answer and solution.
"It’s impossible to stop thinking about it if everything makes you think about it!" Ben explained.
Here is the reason: Our mind forms strong associations.Okay, I didn’t drop a bomb with that fact, but here is
the interesting part...When your brain stored memories of your ex,it took along with it associations of sounds, smells, colors and even things you were touching at the time. All of those sensations form a powerful bond in your mind.
Now, when you think of your ex, you may remember cologne they used to wear. The part we didn’t bargain
for is that it works in reverse. If we smell the cologne, the memory of your ex comes right back up.The smallest details will trigger a memory because they lie deep within your subconscious. That’s why you may feel like you’re having an okay day when suddenly you hear a song that brings you to a fit of tears. Do not feel bad – there is hope to break some of these associations and ease your pain.
Here is the first tip: you need to make small changes - immediately. Rearrange your furniture, cut your hair, change your office at work, wear different perfume, and listen to different songs. I am not advising you to forget your ex. I am asking you to make minor adjustment to ease your daily pain. Your associations are strong and they are mostly subliminal – do not try to fight them with your conscious logic.
If you haven’t done so already, gently put away the more obvious reminders of your ex including pictures, personal belongings, and anything else that reminds you of them. No one is suggesting a bonfire in the front yard – a box will do just fine. It can be upsettingto remove these items, but keep in mind, it's not forever.
The next tip: try to socialize with a few people that did not know you as a couple. Hanging out with all the same friends can trigger the pain association. Mixing up some friendships and social habits will provide tremendous benefit.
So my question to you is, what are you going to change today? How about a different route to work or drinking a cup of tea instead coffee in the morning? Try it -it will ease your pain.
Ben went through my Step to Heal program, and this is whathe had to say after the very first day, "I went through an extremely difficult divorce. I would just like to say thank you, because tonight I read the 1st step in the program and it was almost like you were right here with me with the interactive videos, you knew instinctively and exactly how I felt. Thank you foreverything you have done for me. You’ve given me renewed optimism for the future.”
Lesson 4
If you're in pain from a break up, but you know that your ex wasn't your soulmate, this will still be of great benefit.
9 years ago, I felt I had lost my soulmate. I had been through a divorce and that was heart-wrenching, but that's not what or to whom I was referring. After my divorce, I met someone that I felt was my perfect match. I had never felt that way before and never loved that way before; he was the one I had been waiting for my entire life.
He didn't feel the same. We parted and I died inside. The day after, I felt a chill go from my toes up through my body until it found my chest. The cold went through every vessel in my heart filling it with darkness and stripping me of the hope of life.
If you feel like you've lost your soulmate, you realize that I’m not being dramatic. You know that it is an experience that is almost indescribable. As I've never experienced death myself, I can only assume a bad break up is a very close second.
If you feel anything like what I've described, then I have one message I need you to hear - you WILL feel better. In fact, you will feel better than you have ever felt because you are on your way to a more authentic path. A brighter future.
I know it sounds ridiculous – almost impossible, in fact. But believe me, it is the absolute truth. The universe operates in strange ways to get us to the happiest place we can be and you are no exception to this path.
I went from the state I described above to a state of true happiness by first researching every healing technique available, reading every self-help book, going to therapists, support groups,and even hypnotherapy. You know what I got from this? Not much. I only learned about everything that was wrong with me and it didn't help with my pain.
Then, I had a break through. A friend of mine was talking about an article in Time magazine called The Science of Happiness. They were referring to what I now know as Positive Psychology. A science that can make you happy, are you serious? Yes, very. It's not a pill, it's not a joke, it is a real science that studies how to be happier. It is a study of what is right with us.
This really appealed to me. I devoured every book and article written on the subject. I tweaked them to apply to my situation of a broken heart. I tested the techniques on myself and then on friends, and then set up a website to test them on others suffering from a broken heart. There was born the 10-step healing process.
Why do so many people think that time is the miracle maker?
It is because after time goes by we do feel better. Did I just contradict myself? No, time makes us feel better, but we have simply masked the original problems, not resolved them.
Ever have a day where you're feeling not-so-bad -then you hear a song that reminds you of your ex? This trigger can cause a break down. We fall into these fits of pain when the root of the problem remains within us. Time can push trauma deep inside to hide from our conscious mind; unfortunately, nothing hides from the subconscious.
If you do nothing at this point, but allow time to pass, you may be listening to a song monthsor years from now and have the same reaction.
If you are suffering from true heartbreak, the only real way to heal is to walk straight throughyour pain and release it. Ok, you're thinking, how do I do that?
By taking action from these lessons you are reading. Action is what will get your through your heartache,not time just passing by.
So, first make a pact with yourself and me that you are going to incorporate some of the practices I have provided over the last 5 days into your daily routine.
Next, ask yourself...what are my choices ahead?
You probably recognize at his juncture there is a fork in the road ahead of you. One path is tolet time pass by and see how you feel, one path is to make a choice to fight this pain and heal.
Choose to fight.
How? Bear with me for one second and I'll tell you.
When I started helping people heal their broken hearts, my intention was to be able to coach everyone through healing. I remember what I suffered through and I thought that NO ONE should have to endure that pain. It is my firm belief we stay in the pain cycle too long because someone convinced us that we need this "time" to heal. False.
When your mind, heart, and body sees that you are taking action to heal, they will all follow suit.
Here are some more specific highlights of Step to Heal:
*Stomping out Negative Thinking, for good
*Releasing Anxiety with simple, time tested exercises
*Determining what went wrong with the relationship
*Curing the lonely and empty feelings
*Learning the secrets to sleeping through the night again
*Discovering whether you were in a soulmate relationship and learning what to do if you were.
*Creating your future with real and tangible methods
*Much more
Lesson 3
"Why does everything remind me of my ex?"
One of my clients, Ben, asked me this question and Iwanted to provide him and you the answer and solution.
"It’s impossible to stop thinking about it if everything makes you think about it!" Ben explained.
Here is the reason: Our mind forms strong associations.Okay, I didn’t drop a bomb with that fact, but here is
the interesting part...When your brain stored memories of your ex,it took along with it associations of sounds, smells, colors and even things you were touching at the time. All of those sensations form a powerful bond in your mind.
Now, when you think of your ex, you may remember cologne they used to wear. The part we didn’t bargain
for is that it works in reverse. If we smell the cologne, the memory of your ex comes right back up.The smallest details will trigger a memory because they lie deep within your subconscious. That’s why you may feel like you’re having an okay day when suddenly you hear a song that brings you to a fit of tears. Do not feel bad – there is hope to break some of these associations and ease your pain.
Here is the first tip: you need to make small changes - immediately. Rearrange your furniture, cut your hair, change your office at work, wear different perfume, and listen to different songs. I am not advising you to forget your ex. I am asking you to make minor adjustment to ease your daily pain. Your associations are strong and they are mostly subliminal – do not try to fight them with your conscious logic.
If you haven’t done so already, gently put away the more obvious reminders of your ex including pictures, personal belongings, and anything else that reminds you of them. No one is suggesting a bonfire in the front yard – a box will do just fine. It can be upsettingto remove these items, but keep in mind, it's not forever.
The next tip: try to socialize with a few people that did not know you as a couple. Hanging out with all the same friends can trigger the pain association. Mixing up some friendships and social habits will provide tremendous benefit.
So my question to you is, what are you going to change today? How about a different route to work or drinking a cup of tea instead coffee in the morning? Try it -it will ease your pain.
Ben went through my Step to Heal program, and this is whathe had to say after the very first day, "I went through an extremely difficult divorce. I would just like to say thank you, because tonight I read the 1st step in the program and it was almost like you were right here with me with the interactive videos, you knew instinctively and exactly how I felt. Thank you foreverything you have done for me. You’ve given me renewed optimism for the future.”
Lesson 4
If you're in pain from a break up, but you know that your ex wasn't your soulmate, this will still be of great benefit.
9 years ago, I felt I had lost my soulmate. I had been through a divorce and that was heart-wrenching, but that's not what or to whom I was referring. After my divorce, I met someone that I felt was my perfect match. I had never felt that way before and never loved that way before; he was the one I had been waiting for my entire life.
He didn't feel the same. We parted and I died inside. The day after, I felt a chill go from my toes up through my body until it found my chest. The cold went through every vessel in my heart filling it with darkness and stripping me of the hope of life.
If you feel like you've lost your soulmate, you realize that I’m not being dramatic. You know that it is an experience that is almost indescribable. As I've never experienced death myself, I can only assume a bad break up is a very close second.
If you feel anything like what I've described, then I have one message I need you to hear - you WILL feel better. In fact, you will feel better than you have ever felt because you are on your way to a more authentic path. A brighter future.
I know it sounds ridiculous – almost impossible, in fact. But believe me, it is the absolute truth. The universe operates in strange ways to get us to the happiest place we can be and you are no exception to this path.
I went from the state I described above to a state of true happiness by first researching every healing technique available, reading every self-help book, going to therapists, support groups,and even hypnotherapy. You know what I got from this? Not much. I only learned about everything that was wrong with me and it didn't help with my pain.
Then, I had a break through. A friend of mine was talking about an article in Time magazine called The Science of Happiness. They were referring to what I now know as Positive Psychology. A science that can make you happy, are you serious? Yes, very. It's not a pill, it's not a joke, it is a real science that studies how to be happier. It is a study of what is right with us.
This really appealed to me. I devoured every book and article written on the subject. I tweaked them to apply to my situation of a broken heart. I tested the techniques on myself and then on friends, and then set up a website to test them on others suffering from a broken heart. There was born the 10-step healing process.
Final Lesson
Why do so many people think that time is the miracle maker?
It is because after time goes by we do feel better. Did I just contradict myself? No, time makes us feel better, but we have simply masked the original problems, not resolved them.
Ever have a day where you're feeling not-so-bad -then you hear a song that reminds you of your ex? This trigger can cause a break down. We fall into these fits of pain when the root of the problem remains within us. Time can push trauma deep inside to hide from our conscious mind; unfortunately, nothing hides from the subconscious.
If you do nothing at this point, but allow time to pass, you may be listening to a song monthsor years from now and have the same reaction.
If you are suffering from true heartbreak, the only real way to heal is to walk straight throughyour pain and release it. Ok, you're thinking, how do I do that?
By taking action from these lessons you are reading. Action is what will get your through your heartache,not time just passing by.
So, first make a pact with yourself and me that you are going to incorporate some of the practices I have provided over the last 5 days into your daily routine.
Next, ask yourself...what are my choices ahead?
You probably recognize at his juncture there is a fork in the road ahead of you. One path is tolet time pass by and see how you feel, one path is to make a choice to fight this pain and heal.
Choose to fight.
How? Bear with me for one second and I'll tell you.
When I started helping people heal their broken hearts, my intention was to be able to coach everyone through healing. I remember what I suffered through and I thought that NO ONE should have to endure that pain. It is my firm belief we stay in the pain cycle too long because someone convinced us that we need this "time" to heal. False.
When your mind, heart, and body sees that you are taking action to heal, they will all follow suit.
Here are some more specific highlights of Step to Heal:
*Stomping out Negative Thinking, for good
*Releasing Anxiety with simple, time tested exercises
*Determining what went wrong with the relationship
*Curing the lonely and empty feelings
*Learning the secrets to sleeping through the night again
*Discovering whether you were in a soulmate relationship and learning what to do if you were.
*Creating your future with real and tangible methods
*Much more
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